And I Shoot Sunshine Into My Veins

lunare — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 06:03:28 +0000

I am tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of being dependent. I am tired of crying so much. I am tired of being shit at communicating and shit at relating to people when it matters. I am so, so tired. All the places I go in my head are just metaphors for Death and it took me this long to figure it out. Lying under the ocean, bleeding out my feelings in the snow, growing white wings, sleeping forever. I don’t want to die. But I don’t know if I care about living.

I have survivor’s guilt without ever having to be in a disaster. Why am I alive when so many people better than me are dead? What am I worth? Why can’t I convince myself that I am worth something.

So many people are giving up on me, how am I not to give up on myself? I want to believe I deserve to be happy but I don’t know how. I worry the only way to fix myself is to just step out in front of a bus and start over. I worry that I am a lost cause. I worry that no one will take me seriously, because nothing bad has ever happened to make me feel this way. I just do.

It’s me. I know it’s me because they all tell me the same things. They are all in love with me, but I am too dependent. Needy. Immature. Demanding. Argumentative.

I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t even realize when I’m fucking up.

lunare — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 05:21:44 +0000

I don’t suppose it’ll ever make sense.

This is where I go to write where I want no one to see because I don’t make sense – I’m just talking in endless loops to myself, hoping that it will get me somewhere.

I wish I didn’t miss you. I wish you weren’t always here in the back of my mind – but you are. A little bit of you in every breath I take, in the blood that rushes through my lonely veins, in the song I sing no matter what it is.

Here you are, joining all my other ghosts. I look through your pictures and remember holding your beautiful face in my hands. Looking into your blue eyes and drowning in the way I want to forever. I remember you wanting me.

I remember you wanting me.

lunare — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 14:34:27 +0000

Look I’m sorry. I don’t know how to be strong anymore. I am tired. Exhausted. I went to bed feeling like shit mentally and woke up still feeling like it with a big dose of physical sickness added in.

I know I meant something to you. And I know you’re denying it because you’re confused and etc. but I’m too tired to be understanding right now. Right now I just think you’re a fucking douche for hurting me, for renouncing everything your actions proclaimed, and I still fucking love you more than I can say.

I need you. And god I know you need me. What the fuck. In a good world that would be enough. But for some reason it’s not and I don’t know why.

I’m tired of pretending I’m ok alone. Because I’m not. I need you here. I want to take care of you. I want our love bright and beautiful and out in the open. I want to love you so hard I think I might burst from it.

God someone help me. I need help.

Present

lunare — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 22:22:11 +0000

I’m trying so hard not to just let ego take over. Because it’s terrifying to me that I can be ok by myself. I’d almost rather be miserable than accept that. Isn’t that strange? Ever since I was little, being with someone, being in love and loving has been the most important goal of my life. Just like a Disney princess. And I miss him. It’s only natural I suppose. It’s only been a few days. But I catch myself worrying: worrying that he’ll forget about me, worrying that we won’t work out, worrying about time and worrying I’ll never get to lie next to him again.

And I know I need to just relax and stop thinking. Stop thinking about future and past and just be. But God, this is so hard. He shows up in my dreams. I don’t know why I get so attached to people. They’re just so beautiful to me. Precious and irreplaceable and right now it seems inconceivable to me that I can be perfectly happy with or without someone. But I know I need to accept it or nothing will ever work out.

I’m just scared.

lunare — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 22:47:16 +0000

Oh this boy is such a man. So rugged and rough, with calloused hands and scruff accenting his jaw line. So strong and safe and yes. Yes.
I love falling asleep naked. I love waking up naked. I love how perfectly our bodies fit together when we cuddle. I love his beautiful, intense blue-green eyes. I love the blonde hair that makes his scruff shimmer in the sun.
I love the way he takes care of me. I love the way he thinks of me. I love making him proud. I love pleasing him. I love pleasuring him. I love the way he worries about me. I love the way he touches me. I love running my hands all over his muscle. I love his laugh. I love the way he’s always so amazed and fascinated by me.

***

It’s scary, the way you’re making me admit how much I feel for you. I feel so much for you. I’m terrified of it. I’m terrified of how much I missed you, how easily tears came pouring down when I heard your voice and knew I could stop worrying about you. I’m terrified at how easily you see through my barriers and false fronts and strength. How did you know? So easily. How did you know that I feel so strong for you? How can you see how vulnerable I really am?
The way you tell me you’re starting to think about me instead of her, even though you still love her. The way you try so hard to make it better. The way you know something’s wrong even if I tell you it’s ok. I don’t know if I would give it all up for you. I don’t know. It’s scary. Because I might. I might want to really call you mine. And that’s too much for me to handle. You could be my anchor, you could be my safe harbor from everything and that scares me.

I wish I could fly…

lunare — Mon, 10 May 2010 05:32:48 +0000

I’d fly far away from here…

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I hate my deep rooted insecurities that take over my mind whenever something goes wrong. The secret voices that tell me how horrible I am and how worthless and how I hate myself over and over and over. And when I reach out for help, for help from the voices I am told that my self-loathing is “irritating.” Yes I realize it is, don’t you think I know? I’m the one who deals with it everyday. You tell me it’s what you hate about me, but how can I fix it when those very words fuel the fire?

sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever get better…

Jealousy

lunare — Thu, 06 May 2010 16:53:37 +0000

I shouldn’t care. he’s just my friend. I shouldn’t care that he’s going on a date with some chick but for some reason I’m jealous. I really am awful aren’t I? possessive. I suppose that’s what I get when I make friends with only attractive men. end rant.

why

lunare — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 07:52:43 +0000

is there something wrong with me?
I cry so fucking much.

More than just being a girl.
More than just hormones.

it extends to a physical pain.
every part of me aches.

I’m sorry.
I can’t say anything right.

the more I say, the angrier you get, and all I need is for you to take care of me and say sweet things.
even if maybe I don’t deserve it.
but I need it more than anything.

but it’s too much to ask isn’t it.

apathy [april 12, 2010]

lunare — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 07:37:27 +0000

spring.
it’s spring and everything should be blooming and coming to life, but I feel like I’m dead or dying.

why am I so plagued with ennui?
I feel disconnected and distant from passion and motivation.
I feel like the things I’m currently doing are leading me nowhere. that they’re unproductive.

I want to be excited to wake up again.
I want to be excited for the day again.
I want to be driven again.
Not like, not like I’m fading away.

Maybe it’s because the sun is late is coming and the clouds still cover the sky.
I don’t know.

I want to feel like I can breathe again.
like there’s something I’m reaching for, running towards.

instead of feeling like this, like I’m treading dirt and going nowhere.

other blog

lunare — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 03:27:17 +0000

is blogspot.
that’s my real life.

this is for things I don’t want my real life acquaintances to see.
but strangers can read about my real life.