I am tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of being dependent. I am tired of crying so much. I am tired of being shit at communicating and shit at relating to people when it matters. I am so, so tired. All the places I go in my head are just metaphors for Death and it took me this long to figure it out. Lying under the ocean, bleeding out my feelings in the snow, growing white wings, sleeping forever. I don’t want to die. But I don’t know if I care about living.

I have survivor’s guilt without ever having to be in a disaster. Why am I alive when so many people better than me are dead? What am I worth? Why can’t I convince myself that I am worth something.

So many people are giving up on me, how am I not to give up on myself? I want to believe I deserve to be happy but I don’t know how. I worry the only way to fix myself is to just step out in front of a bus and start over. I worry that I am a lost cause. I worry that no one will take me seriously, because nothing bad has ever happened to make me feel this way. I just do.

It’s me. I know it’s me because they all tell me the same things. They are all in love with me, but I am too dependent. Needy. Immature. Demanding. Argumentative.

 

I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t even realize when I’m fucking up.

~ by missyuri on August 5, 2011.